i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize