how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
