before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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