Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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