My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
