This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
