you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
