i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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