Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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