Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
