why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
