You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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