my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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