So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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