It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
