***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
