I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
