it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize