connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
