they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
