if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
