My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
