I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
