I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
