Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
