I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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