i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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