I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
