I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
