I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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