Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
