Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
