If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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