just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
