So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
