Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
