someone threw a dead crab at me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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