Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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