he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
