my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
