her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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