Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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