She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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