I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
