just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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