she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's never too late to be topless.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Enjoy the penises
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