i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize