My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
