I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
