sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
