dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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