There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
