I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
