i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
