bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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