I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
