You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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