I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
