Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
