I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
