remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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