i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize