I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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