dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
