yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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