True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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