apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
