im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
